Satire/Humor/Fiction – Gregg Fedchak

grass snake snake serpentes natrix 80474

From Your Mayor’s Desk: Snakes in Toilets

Written by Gregg Fedchak on April 19, 2025. Posted in Satire/Humor/Fiction.

As you may be aware by now, there are snakes in most Happyville toilets.

82139321 pho 001 0207 copy 3 — ***Mayor Dwort, out standing***

We do not know how the snakes got into your toilets. It may be a seasonal thing. Like allergies. These toilet snakes may return to their lairs upon breeding in your bathroom. Or they may not. They may linger. Rest assured, Happyville’s Public Works has provided us guidelines for dealing with them.

First of all, these are poisonous toilet snakes. Don’t panic, though. Panicking only aggravates them. If you believe that you have snakes beneath you, play it cool. Hum a little tune. Play some solitaire. Think pleasant thoughts.

Whatever you do, don’t hop up off the toilet and scream. That will get you bitten for sure. Just sit there and calmly go about your business.

But should the worst happen and you get a bite, call Town Hall immediately so that we can send a municipal worker with a crowbar to uncork you from your seat. For poisonous toilet snakebites will make you swell up like a hot air balloon.

pexels photo 262005 — ***snake-free for the moment***

Same Happyvillians have questioned us about why snakes are not showing up slithering out of sink faucets etc.

We think it’s because the pipes that lead to sinks and tubs are too narrow for the toilet snakes. Toilet snakes have big, big fangs. Enormous fangs. And massive poison sacs. The smallest of pipes is no fun for these snakes.

If you open the lid on the back of your toilet, for instance, you will find no toilet snakes, because toilet snakes enter via big fat sewage pipes. All you will find in the back of your toilet will be Carnivorous Amazonian Gar fish.

Warning: do not attempt to distract your Poisonous Toilet Snakes by feeding them Gar. One gentleman reached into his tank to procure a Gar to feed and thereby placate his snake, in the process losing his hand and a good chunk of his forearm to the Gar.

I have signed an emergency executive order making it temporarily legal for all Happyvillians to relieve themselves in public. This should be a festive occasion to celebrate community with your neighbors, not a time to foment political dissent.

Just keep in mind: the great outdoors is the native habitat of snakes.

Life, at times, is difficult. Just don’t blame me.

I’m DOA

Written by Gregg Fedchak on March 31, 2025. Posted in Satire/Humor/Fiction.

As head of the United States Department of Attention, I’ve advised the President to eat a monkey at center ice during a New York Rangers game in Madison Square Garden.

But the President is hesitating. Sometimes he can be such a big baby.

“What about those PETA people?” he asked.

“No,” I said. “That’s going too far. Just stick to monkeys for now.”

What can you do? The President is such a wallflower. What’s it called, a wilting lily? He complains that nobody ever pays attention to him because he’s so socially discreet and withdrawn.

But when you hit him with a masterly proposal to enter a professional hockey game in mid-rush, stark naked except for buckle boots, fork in hand, swinging a live monkey over his head by its tail, he demurs.

82139321 pho 001 0103 copy — ***Harriet, head of DOA, curating classified documents for a weekend Tupperware Party***

I Got the Bowling Concession in Greenland!

Written by Gregg Fedchak on March 5, 2025. Posted in Satire/Humor/Fiction.

I wanted the golf franchise, but that was already taken. It took a lot of arm twisting, but I got the bowling one.

Picture this: every square inch of Greenland paved with black asphalt, with a Bowl-O’-Rama every 2 miles in every direction. Blanket coverage. Only Walmart and KFC will come close.

free photo of aerial view of expansive industrial mining area — ***my work has begun***

You’ve heard of Eco-Tourism? Well, this is sort of the opposite of that. We expect shiploads of tourists to descend upon The Nutmeg State, or whatever we decide to call it, and erupt into an orgy of Endurance Bowling, 24/7.

pexels photo 5334325 — ***eager bowling addicts with lots of money and noroviruses***

We need all that asphalt because it has been brought to our attention that bowlers tend to have knobby bodies and need to be able to park near the lanes. We’ll supply all the tools of bowling – the balls, the bags, the shoes, the mixed drinks, the defibrillators, the hernia meshes. You supply the money.

And if you discover any rare earth minerals while here, drop them off at the door as you leave. They’re ours!

free photo of fresh okra pods uncut and sliced on dark surface

Will Okra Sue?

Written by Gregg Fedchak on January 24, 2025. Posted in Satire/Humor/Fiction.

One of the major seed companies has left okra out of its print catalog. In the table of contents, it says to go online if you want okra.

Will Big Okra sue the seed company?

Will the United Okra Breeders Association of North Carolina sue to get its lifeblood back into print and on equal footing with those glamour queens, the tomatoes and melons?

Will the Okra Front barricade highways? Will the Okra Patch Weeders Union Local #3 go on strike until ink hits page again and justice is served?

pexels photo 671963 — ***badly strung-out okra***

Will the mainstream media even cover okra’s exclusion? Will New Orleans soupmakers join the fray?

Will the entire okra growing industry shrink as okra, already sinking in the polls and dying in popularity, is no longer seen and talked about?

And what can be done besides legal action? Can the president sign an Executive Order mandating equal rights for okra, salsify, turnips, and other unjustly hidden vegetables?

In the meantime, we all suffer under Tomato Supremacy.

You can’t avoid them. In catalogs, in subs, slathered on pizzas, in this salad and that salad, stuffed in the middle of a bologna sandwich, and even in squeezeable plastic bottles as a condiment.

We will not rest until there is squeezy okra in bottles, too!