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Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Fun

I’m sorry, but too much is perfect.

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The 1963 Stanley Kramer movie, It’s A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD World, is too much. It’s perfect.

It’s too long – 3.3 hours in its restored form. The cast is way too big. The story is way too silly. The title is too long. (It started the trend toward obscenely long movie titles like A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum, How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying, etc. Okay, those started out as Broadway hits first.).

Too many cars were junked. Too many stars were exhausted and injured. It was too hyped, even by today’s standards. The widescreen format made people sick by making any seat in the house a front row seat. Ethel Merman screams too much. Jonathan Winters had just been released from various mental institutions. Spencer Tracy was between way too many binges and was way too fragile.

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The movie has always gotten good but mixed reviews. There is always a person out there who says, “Why is the pilot drinking an Old Fashioned instead of flying the Cessna? I don’t get it.”

These people are impervious to slapstick or silly comedy, just because they are. They’re the ones who design spreadsheets for fun. They’re the ones who say, “Why is Moe so hostile?”

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Edie Adams, Sid Caesar, Jonathan Winters, Ethel Merman, Milton Berle, Mickey Rooney, Buddy Hackett

The story is about greed. A bunch of strangers gathers at Jimmy Durante’s crash site. Jimmy’s character’s last words indicate a fortune buried under a “W” formation of palm trees nearby.

Then the race is on, as everybody tries to beat everybody else to the fortune, if they can find it.

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the soundtrack, still available after 63 years

The chase calls for nearly 4 hours of mostly slapstick comedy. Breathless slapstick. Loud slapstick. 85 stars in the cast, counting cameo appearances like Jack Benny, Jerry Lewis, and The Three Stooges.

The movie went over budget. The shooting schedule fell hopelessly behind. Cutting and editing was brutal; the movie could well have gone over 7 hours long. When an attempt was made to find cut material in the early 2000’s, bulldozing a Pennsylvania landfill where the footage had been dumped 40 years earlier was considered.

In all, a good time was had.

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Dick Shawn and Barrie Chase having a MAD good time

Well, not all had a good time.

The biggest gripe was that Stanley Kramer ran cast and crew the way the Edmund Fitzgerald had been overdriven on the Great Lakes.

Gripe number one had to be the heat for the early desert scenes. And the mountain that 40-50-60-70 year old actors had to run up and down repeatedly in that desert heat. And the dangerous explosions and flying and automotive stunts all the cast were subjected to. At some point, Jonathan Winters was duct taped to a chair and forgotten. They found him hours later, after he’d nearly chewed himself free.

An Ethel Merman shot at Winters with her loaded handbag caught Winters in the mouth. Merman cried a sincere apology. Winters joked, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll get you in your room tonight.”

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Sid Caesar and Milton Berle, worse for wear

Barrie Chase, the dancer in the photo above Caesar and Berle, is the sole cast member alive today. She’s 92 or 93, spry and sharp.

“I padded my bra,” she told author of the book COMEDY IS A GRIM BUSINESS, James Curtis. She was considered the greatest female dancer of the 1950’s and ’60’s and had just come off a series of award-winning TV specials with Fred Astaire. “I usually don’t do that. When I walked on set, a crewman said, ‘Look at those knockers’. I nearly pulled the pads out and threw them at him.”

I wish they’d found a role for Jerry Colonna, who was mentioned for the cast early on.

The Cuban Missile Crisis put a damper on the shooting in 1962. And the assassination of JFK in 1963 definitely took a big bite out of box office returns.

I first saw MAD on TV when I was recovering from food poisoning in 1973 or 1974. It helped.

How could it not? Phil Silvers, Terry-Thomas, Dorothy Provine, Jim Backus, Buster Keaton, Don Knotts, The Three Stooges.

Laughter, the best medicine.

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The Three Stooges, of course

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With Tech, Your Dreams Are Possible. And Impenetrable.

For your consideration: I recently had a friend post a photo of himself chin-deep standing in the Amazon River, likely surrounded by voracious piranha fish, holding a beer over his head.

What he accomplished was easier, more accessible, and quite likely less expensive than doing it virtually on a computer.

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a crusader king, as in the video game of the same name

I also once worked with an army officer, back when computers were new. They were forever forking up, misbehaving. But they were cutting edge, so of course we had to use them.

“Just give me a goddamned typewriter,” he said, “so I can actually do some work.”

In other words, fly him on an old-fashioned passenger jet to the Amazon so that he can actually do something he has a passion for doing.

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tedious oversold deceptive home movie making made easy with AI etc.

I’ve looked into making short videos with the aid of artificial intelligence.

“Only $120 a month!” the ads and barker videos shout. “It’s easy! Make feature-length Hollywood movies with your Amiga 64!”

What they don’t tell you is that the technology is ever-shifting beneath your feet. Developments come so swiftly that even how-to videos on the subject are outdated 3 weeks before they’re posted. Forget books. There are no books. Books on the subject are stone age.

I thought it would be great fun to make movies without the annoyance of dealing with – or paying – recalcitrant actors, nasty demanding financial backers, etc. The AI ads say that it’s possible.

I wanted, you see, a fun hobby.

The problem is that it’s, at the moment, a passion play, not just an idle hobby whim.

You can do it. Technically. But it’s not fun unless you have a real passion for it and enjoy tedium. And enjoy subscribing to the 16 or so separate services to knit your work together, so that it isn’t amateurish or stillborn.

And then that $$$1,300 a year bloats up to $25,000, like your leg after a piranha takes a chunk out of it.

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composing. maybe.

Same with music composing. Score a symphonic work! No incompetent musicians to pay or deal with! No more annoying trombonists to hit over the head! Have fun! Enjoy life! Be Leonard Bernstein in the comfort of your sweatpants! Be creative!

I have a piece of software – such a thing is now called an app, or so I think – called Spitfire. Contained within is an entire BBC orchestra. I think. I’ve been told. It’ll work with ProLogic or LogicPro or whatever to produce instant, fun frustration, if you’re looking for an idle pasttime.

Again, you need passion, not a hobby mindset.

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Same with serious video games.

“Serious” is the word here. There seem to be 2 types of games today: moronic time wasters for morons, and serious, realistic nightmares.

Load up Crusader Kings III to mate up Mortified King Leonardo of Dragsville with his twin sister Belcangio the Dreadful, just to see what happens.

Nothing happens. There is no way to get into the game unless you have an actual passion for mutant and morally suspect genetics and warfare. The game is mute. No way to even figure out where to click to begin.

Oh, there are videos online to instruct you. Reddit forums and subgroups and fetish chambers and rabbit holes to dig into. They are as much fun for the hobbyist as segmenting your hard drive, if that’s still a thing.

And so many of these games now cause motion sickness. And migraines. And are dangerous to people who have epilepsy. About 60% of the human population are subject to such problems. And video game developers wonder why people are giving up video games and taking up woodworking or papermaking instead.

And so I have another friend, an artist and photographer. He has to move models – humans – around the country, plus pay them.

You can technically do what he does by employing AI. You’ve all seen this stuff. It’s simultaneously remarkable and off-putting. Artificial, like tracing a doggie out onto tracing paper. It’s not real. It’s not art.

Moving flesh around the world and paying said flesh is art.

“Oh. it’ll get better,” technos say, and I’m sure they’re right. “It’ll get cheaper, too. As soon as we build a 44,000 acre data center next door, you, too, will be able to do art, just as if you’re an artist!”

In 1939, at the New York World’s Fair, there was an exhibit of model bacon processing and wrapping. I think plastic was involved. The point was to sell us on the wonders of technology and science.

I’d rather have the art.

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where video gamers live if the “immersive” 3D graphics don’t make them vomit

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AI Will Make Bridges Obsolete

One of the many wonders artificial intelligence will bless us with is making bridges obsolete.

“No longer will we have to take an old-fashioned route across water or chasms,” say research scientists, who we universally trust. “A simple pair of hip waders will be sufficient.”

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soon to be chucked

AI is steadily making our world a better place for all of us, not just tech tycoons. Soon we’ll be able to join the elite and put bridges – auto, walking, train – behind us.

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our advanced bridgeless future

“Not having to access and cross bridges will be a great advancement for our Guaranteed Universal Income masses,” say researchers. “That will ensure the rest of us that they stay on their proper side of the tracks, where the redemption centers and fish hatcheries are.”

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AI making your life a hell of a lot better. And wetter.

Bridgeless societies will not only keep you where you belong, but they will keep commerce moving along, too.

Before AI, we needed bridges to do whatever this train is doing:

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train at risk of crash leading to well-fed crocodiles

With AI’s beneficent help, we can rid our landscape of the scourge of bridges, and therefore prevent nasty train crashes like this one:

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no more trains flying off bridges!

So put your brains in a crockpot, relax with your generous government unemployment benefits, and stand on the shore of life forevermore!

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add parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme

*

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He Who Rules The Hand, Rules The World

The way to power and wealth has always come to those who occupy the human hand.

In the beginning, every hand had rosaries or prayer beads:

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In modernity, smokeables occupied hands, such that even bloated corpses underwater enjoyed them:

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Next came the hydration fetish, with water bottles in every hand:

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At this precious instant in time, iPhones come to all hands, in delis, mortuaries, on operating tables, in bed, on the toilet, and probably well into the afterlife:

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And now, we can predict, through the efforts of human intelligence, artificial intelligence, the Central Intelligence Agency, market research, and the efforts of scientists both natural and unnatural, social and not-so-social, the . . .

NEXT BIG THING for the human hand:

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Remember, it could be worse.

It could be cabbages.