As you may be aware by now, there are snakes in most Happyville toilets.
We do not know how the snakes got into your toilets. It may be a seasonal thing. Like allergies. These toilet snakes may return to their lairs upon breeding in your bathroom. Or they may not. They may linger. Rest assured, Happyville’s Public Works has provided us guidelines for dealing with them.
First of all, these are poisonous toilet snakes. Don’t panic, though. Panicking only aggravates them. If you believe that you have snakes beneath you, play it cool. Hum a little tune. Play some solitaire. Think pleasant thoughts.
Whatever you do, don’t hop up off the toilet and scream. That will get you bitten for sure. Just sit there and calmly go about your business.
But should the worst happen and you get a bite, call Town Hall immediately so that we can send a municipal worker with a crowbar to uncork you from your seat. For poisonous toilet snakebites will make you swell up like a hot air balloon.
Same Happyvillians have questioned us about why snakes are not showing up slithering out of sink faucets etc.
We think it’s because the pipes that lead to sinks and tubs are too narrow for the toilet snakes. Toilet snakes have big, big fangs. Enormous fangs. And massive poison sacs. The smallest of pipes is no fun for these snakes.
If you open the lid on the back of your toilet, for instance, you will find no toilet snakes, because toilet snakes enter via big fat sewage pipes. All you will find in the back of your toilet will be Carnivorous Amazonian Gar fish.
Warning: do not attempt to distract your Poisonous Toilet Snakes by feeding them Gar. One gentleman reached into his tank to procure a Gar to feed and thereby placate his snake, in the process losing his hand and a good chunk of his forearm to the Gar.
I have signed an emergency executive order making it temporarily legal for all Happyvillians to relieve themselves in public. This should be a festive occasion to celebrate community with your neighbors, not a time to foment political dissent.
Just keep in mind: the great outdoors is the native habitat of snakes.
Life, at times, is difficult. Just don’t blame me.
