In every field of endeavor, there has to be a champion. In the field of mucous production, snotweed wins.
Snotweed, a native of all climatic and geographic zones and even the asteroid belt, occurs naturally in 102% of all flower and vegetable gardens. Despite its ubiquity, the fatality rate of all of those who come in contact with it is less than 20%, because it prefers that its victims survive long enough to suffer.
It is the pollen produced by snotweed during its fecund season – all 12 months of the year, with extra during May – that causes trouble.
Snotweed pollen particles vary in size from golf balls to the headlights of a 1969 VW Beetle. A number of tools are available, however, to remove these granules from gardeners’ sinuses.
Still images taken via fiber optic cables snaked from the soles of feet up into the sinus cavities of Snotweed victims shows that the swampy atmosphere in the skull is capable of harboring sizeable life forms, up to and including newts and lizards.
Most gardeners who come into contact with Snotweed think that they have to suffer with the allergens. This is not true. The most progressive nations on earth allow and even encourage euthanasia.
Weeding and gardening do not have to be fatal activities.
Unless you want them to be.
