The Gardener’s Guide to Weeds

Today’s nemesis:

PLETHORAWEED

Attractive Plethoraweed belongs to the genus painful anusus and is rampant wherever gardeners wish to grow anything. It is impossible to pull up, has regenerative roots 6.5 miles deep, and causes severe carbuncalization of human skin. It spreads by means of osmosis and realigned genetomutosis.

Control Plethoraweed by soaking with gasoline and setting it afire. This will set it back 2 or 3 days of growth and spread, allowing you to repeat the procedure until your neighbor’s house burns down or they call the police, whichever comes first.